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missing my kittys

It's been just over a week since my Sappho got sick and I had to say goodbye to her.  Both of my feline companions, my friends and live-in family for the past 16 years, are gone.

Today was a rough day.  I have had a cold.  I fought with Adam over stupid things.  I was mad at my brother for something stupid he said.  I was annoyed at customers with ridiculous requests.

And it just dawned on me-- it's been a week.  And I am still in pain.  I am still in mourning.  My little girl is gone.  She was such a sweet and loving kitty.  She was so neurotic and silly and needy and cuddly and talkative... and I miss her so very, very much.

Her ashes are at the Vet Hospital waiting for me to pick them up, but I haven't been able to go yet.  With my cold this past week, I haven't had the strength or energy to face that.  But now, tonight, I I really want to go and get her and bring her home.  I will go in the next day or two.

She will join our little memorial with the ashes of her brother Achilles (Bubba), and her adopted siblings Countess and Brie.  And one day, after Adam and I have moved into our own house, they will all go permanently to places of honor in a beautiful garden where I can sit and think of them and wish they were all still around.

Thank you, Sappho, for being such a sweet and beautiful kitty.  I am not exaggerating when I say that you and your brother saved my sanity and my life.  I will always love you.

Religious pet peeves

Something that really, really annoys me:

People who can buy into the idea of an unseen, unknowable entity who magically willed the entire universe into existence, but who can't believe that something as simple as the natural process of evolution is real because it sounds "ridiculous."

to move or not to move?

We've been talking about moving back to Spokane for a year.  And while being closer to friends and family would be wonderful, I am not entirely sure I want to leave the Portland area.

When we were last in Spokane I didn't feel like I'd returned home.  It seemed a bit alien. I forget how conservative Spokane is and how many rednecks live there.

And though I'm not the most social person in the world, I wonder how I will feel about living in a place with such a small gay community.

Plus, there's the job issue.  It would be difficult to move back there without a job.  So finding one to move there for would be important...

If I move back, I would miss the rain.  I love the rain in Portland.

In Portland I have missed thunderstorms, though.  And snow.  I never liked driving in the snow, but I miss looking at the snow, and playing in the snow.

I miss Anita.  And Jon.  And so many other friends. And I am missing out on my nephew and niece growing up.

And I miss Washington.  I like Oregon, but I really miss Washington.

What I really wish I could do-- move back to Spokane and take Portland with me.

thinking about Manny

I drove to the Starbucks where Manny and I first met this past Tuesday.  My plan was to order two drinks-- one for me, and one for him.  Then I was going to sit outside where we sat and just remember him.  But when I got there, the place was packed, the store itself had been remodeled inside and none of it made me feel any closer to Manny.  There were no open tables inside or out, so I got a coffee for myself and just left, realizing that I will have to find some other kind of ritual for him.

I wish I could just text him. :-\


I had a dream about Manny last night.  I was sitting at a restaurant or something in downtown Portland and saw him walk by outside.

I ran out and talked to him.  He was surprised to see me.  He said that he never really died, but that he had just wanted to disappear for a while.  I was really angry for a few minutes, but I got over it quickly because I was so happy that he was still alive.

Then I woke up-- and felt... numb.

I couldn't figure out why I was suddenly dreaming about him, but then I remembered.  More than a year ago, before I even knew he was gone, I purchased the same kind of cologne I remembered Manny wearing.  I always liked how it smelled, especially on him.  I don't often wear cologne, but about a week ago I decided to use some.  The scent must have triggered memories I didn't really think about on a conscious level.

I pulled up Manny's Facebook page today.  It's still there, but has become more of a memorial to him.  His friends leave messages to him and share their memories.
I wanted to share my dream, but didn't.  It felt too personal.  


Need a big change

I am thinking I need a big change.  First, I want to get my teeth fixed!  It is driving me crazy to have to wait so long for the stupid dentist.  Monday, I'm going to do a little comparison shopping at another dentist.

Next-- I need to find something else to occupy my time.  Some ideas I'm considering: change in diet, an exercise program, a daily outing of some kind that doesn't involve work or grocery shopping, reading more books...  maybe what I need is a combination of all of these?


I miss my Bubba. 
I'm depressed.  I'm not sure how to snap out of it.  I've tried reading things I like, watching things I like, and listening to things I like...

Tomorrow we may drive over to the coast.

Broken heart

It's been 2 days since we had to say goodbye to Bubba, and I don't remember the last time I felt this depressed and broken-hearted. He was with me through so much, and it really feels like a part of me died with him.

I loved that cat more than I can express, and I keep finding myself looking for him around the house.  My heart still doesn't understand his absence. 

No relaxation

If I don't get some down time soon, I'm going to explode.

I don't want to have to leave the apartment. I don't want to have to be social. I want to sit and watch Stargate SG-1 all day, and that's IT.