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One of the side effects about blogging, or even keeping a journal, is that one tends to revisit the same old story over and over again.  I suppose this is normal, if you aren't writing to capture or enthrall an audience, but are simply writing your own experience.

That being said, I feel a loneliness today.  It's not a loneliness of being alone-- I'm rather fine with alone time.  Rather, I miss feeling like a part of a community, tribe, or family.  I suppose I miss my family to some extent, but I'm really talking about a family of choice.  The people I want to have around on a day to day basis.

When I lived with George, I felt I had that.  I was part of a group of friends, for better or worse, who felt like family.  It was a happy and fulfilling time, and I felt like I was a part of something bigger than me.  Now, years later, I no longer have anything comparable.  I have very few friends who I can actually spend much time with and I find myself hungering for human interaction and reassurance.

I have a friend on Facebook who is a very social person.  He has a ton of friends who spend time together, he performs in drag, he does charity work for the local AIDS walk.  He really is a nice guy.  And sometimes when I look at his posts I get so annoyed by his many pictures of big social outings with all of his young beautiful friends.  Then it dawned on me that I'm probably just jealous.  Not jealous of his many forays into clubbing, and dancing-- I am not THAT social.  But, I am jealous that he has a group of friends to spend so much time with, the good and the bad.  He has a big, extensive support system.  He has family.  Not to say I don't have friends.  Sometimes, very dear friends.  But I don't get to see any of them very often.

I feel like I'm missing out. But, I don't really see any way to "fix" it.  Steven is very social, and I'm not.  I wonder if it's easier for him to collect friends along the way?  I dunno.

This feels like a stream of consciousness that has no end. So... I will go make myself some more coffee now.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 17th, 2014 01:00 am (UTC)
i've given this a lot of serious thought, and i believe i have the solution. you need a life/party planner. you will have to take a second job to pay for them, which will mean that you won't have time to implement any of their suggestions, but you will participate fully in the absurd world. plus you'll be too exhausted to notice.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )